People Pleasing and the Healing Process

Let’s dissect people-pleasing shall we?

This program has been so heavily programmed in to me from such a young age. Most people don’t think twice about it. Some people think it’s just their personality while others see the powerlessness in it and wish they could change.

To explain what could be at the root of people pleasing, let me give you an example of how I take what seems like a small trigger or uncomfortable feeling or thought and track it down to the root wound.

Trigger: The need to please people - the thought that I may upset someone or someone will be in a bad mood.

Mental Programs:

“What do they want to hear?”

“What can I do so they don’t get upset?”

“What will they feel/do/say to me if they are upset?”

“If I do this/say this will they like me more/want me around?”

“There is something wrong with me if I can’t make them happy.”

Emotional Programs:

Fear

Anxiety

Shame

Self doubt

Powerlessness

Behavioral programs:

Making myself small

Not speaking up

Not setting boundaries

Over responsibility (physically and emotionally)

Invalidating my own feelings

Invalidating my desires for my life

Staying stagnant

My inner dialogue:

I need to make everyone around me happy because I don’t want the people around me to be upset. I need them to see my value so they do not leave me, so they always want me around.

If someone is upset with me it makes me feel like they don’t like me/there is something wrong with me. When I feel like something is wrong with me it makes me feel shame, shame for who I am.

In that energy is where I go in and honor the pain and do the inner child work, alchemizing the wound at the deepest level.

People pleasing oftentimes is a program of control believe it or not. I would feel the need to control the environment and how people are feeling around me in order to avoid the possibility of feeling the shame and the fear that comes with not being wanted, of feeling the part of me that feels bad for who I am. At the core of people pleasing in this scenario for me would be a deep fear of not being liked/wanted and a deep shame for who I am. There could be other core wounds that create people pleasing behaviors but let's just stick with this example for now.

This is a big wound for me that I have been chipping away at though I can already see without this wound how my life has drastically changed. So let’s talk about the light on the other side.

In all the behaviors that arose from this wound, I found that the healing of this resulted in the opposite. Having the confidence to speak up for myself, not burdening myself with tasks or duties which gave me more time and energy for me and for things I want to do and not having the emotional stress of being responsible for other people's emotions. Not feeling the heaviness of other people's stuff, not feeling the heaviness of my own shame being triggered daily. All of this is getting closer to becoming free. Free to be who you are without the risk of being triggered into the same feelings. The fear of experiencing the pain holds so much control over your life and will continue to do so until the wound/energy is healed.

Part of the healing process is seeing exactly how you are showing up and facing the pain associated with the possible scenarios that we are desperately trying to avoid. Facing the pain head on instead of hiding away and needing to control which keeps us in powerlessness. 

Another really important point about people pleasing I want to make is the effect you have on other people. When you are constantly tip-toeing around people, over doing, taking on their emotions, mitigating, self sacrificing and taking on the responsibility for their feelings you are enabling them to continue to be that way. If you are someone who goes out of their way and does so much for someone, they will never learn that they can do it themselves. When you avoid triggering someone at all costs, you are robbing that person of an opportunity for them to see maybe what they need to work on, what they need to emotionally take responsibility for. People pleasing appears on the surface to be for the other person, but really it is for the people pleaser. It is so the people pleaser does not have to feel all the feelings that come with disappointing someone. 

I do want to make a note before this message is misinterpreted, that when I say people pleasing I do not mean every single act of kindness. It is important to pay attention to the energy behind your thoughts, behaviors and feelings. Why are you doing this? What is your true reason? Is it coming from an open heart with no expectation? Or is it coming from woundedness? This is why awareness is such an important factor in the healing process. 

So, next time you find yourself in the people pleasing patterns, go deeper. What part of you are you trying to hide? What are you afraid of feeling? What part of you needs love? What part of you needs healing?

With love,

Madison